EXT: A table outside a cafe. A MAN sits, biting from a sandwich he is holding. A PASSERBY walks up.
PASSERBY
Excuse me sir, are you eating a sandwiché?
MAN
Uh, no, it's just a sandwich.
PASSERBY
Ah. Well, you should add this e to the end of it.
PASSERBY pulls from his vest pocket a lower case "e". He adds it to the end of the sandwich in MAN's hand.
MAN
Wow, a sandwiché! Thanks mister!
PASSERBY has exited during MAN'S excitement.
MAN
WAIT!!! WHERE'D YOU GO? I don't even know your name!
He collapses, sobbing.
MAN
All I have is this....sandwiché....
A woman with a black eye enters. She is smoking a cigarette. She holds up a card that reads:
"Fin."
BLACKOUT.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Iron Neville
INT: Subway car. Two MEN are seated on a bench, separated by one empty seat.
MAN 1
Psst. Hey.
MAN 2
Yeah?
MAN 1
Psst. Hey.
MAN 2
I said 'yeah?'!
MAN 1
Oh. (beat) You heard o' Iron Neville?
MAN 2
Who?
MAN 1
Iron Neville?
MAN 2
Iron Neville?
MAN 1
Yeah, Iron Neville.
MAN 2
No.
MAN 1
No?
MAN 2
No.
A beat.
MAN 1
Do you want to know who Iron Neville is?
MAN 2
I guess so.
MAN 1
Iron Neville is a cyborg made from military technology and the body of singer Aaron Neville.
MAN 2
Okay.
MAN 1
Do you like it?
MAN 2
As what, an idea?
MAN 1
Yeah.
MAN 2
Uh, sure. Did you come up with it?
MAN 1
Yeah.
MAN 2
Cool man.
A beat.
MAN 1
It's cool because he was already pretty jacked, like in his arms.
MAN 2 (idly nodding)
Sure, sure.
MAN 1
So he'll be that much more prepared to like fight off his foes.
MAN 2 nods slowly. A beat.
MAN 1 (opening his bag)
I have these t-shirts...
MAN 1 presents some crude-looking grey t-shirts with the likeness of Iron Neville, part machine, part Aaron Neville, on the front.
MAN 1
...and maybe you could buy one?
MAN 2
I don't want one.
MAN 1
Please, it's my one idea, I've always wanted to hav--
MAN 2 (standing in a fit of rage)
I'M NOT BUYING ONE OF YOUR STUPID SHIRTS WITH YOUR STUPID IRON NEVILLE CHARACTER ON IT. YOU SUCK AND YOUR IDEA SUCKS MORE AND YOU SHOULD HATE YOURSELF FOR HAVING IT.
MAN 1 begins to sob. MAN 2 looks around awkwardly, feeling ashamed of himself.
MAN 2 (softly)
Look, I'm sorry, that was--
The wall of the subway car is torn away as IRON NEVILLE enters, laser sight in front of his human eye, whilst his cyborg eye rapidly shifts colored lenses as it scans the room. On his shoulders are mounted umpteen rocket launchers, and his left arm ends in a mammoth gatling gun that has eight rows of simultaneously firing barrels. The surface of his body is covered in plasma and his surroundings immediately begin to melt into oblivion. He speaks in an Aaron Neville falsetto with a tremolo in his voice, but also like a robot.
IRON NEVILLE
DON'T TAKE AWAY MY HEA-EA-EA-VEN, SCUMBAG
MAN 2
How am I doing that?
IRON NEVILLE launches a thousand razor sharp, hyper intelligent hoverdisks at MAN 2, who is eviscerated instantaneously. The subway car is repainted with his blood. A beat. IRON NEVILLE disengages from his attack stance and crosses to MAN 1, who is still crying. He picks up the man and cradles him.
IRON NEVILLE
I DON'T KNOW MU-UCH, BUT I KNOW I LOVE YOU-OU-OU
MAN 1 (singing)
That may be...all I need to know.
They begin to make out.
BLACKOUT.
MAN 1
Psst. Hey.
MAN 2
Yeah?
MAN 1
Psst. Hey.
MAN 2
I said 'yeah?'!
MAN 1
Oh. (beat) You heard o' Iron Neville?
MAN 2
Who?
MAN 1
Iron Neville?
MAN 2
Iron Neville?
MAN 1
Yeah, Iron Neville.
MAN 2
No.
MAN 1
No?
MAN 2
No.
A beat.
MAN 1
Do you want to know who Iron Neville is?
MAN 2
I guess so.
MAN 1
Iron Neville is a cyborg made from military technology and the body of singer Aaron Neville.
MAN 2
Okay.
MAN 1
Do you like it?
MAN 2
As what, an idea?
MAN 1
Yeah.
MAN 2
Uh, sure. Did you come up with it?
MAN 1
Yeah.
MAN 2
Cool man.
A beat.
MAN 1
It's cool because he was already pretty jacked, like in his arms.
MAN 2 (idly nodding)
Sure, sure.
MAN 1
So he'll be that much more prepared to like fight off his foes.
MAN 2 nods slowly. A beat.
MAN 1 (opening his bag)
I have these t-shirts...
MAN 1 presents some crude-looking grey t-shirts with the likeness of Iron Neville, part machine, part Aaron Neville, on the front.
MAN 1
...and maybe you could buy one?
MAN 2
I don't want one.
MAN 1
Please, it's my one idea, I've always wanted to hav--
MAN 2 (standing in a fit of rage)
I'M NOT BUYING ONE OF YOUR STUPID SHIRTS WITH YOUR STUPID IRON NEVILLE CHARACTER ON IT. YOU SUCK AND YOUR IDEA SUCKS MORE AND YOU SHOULD HATE YOURSELF FOR HAVING IT.
MAN 1 begins to sob. MAN 2 looks around awkwardly, feeling ashamed of himself.
MAN 2 (softly)
Look, I'm sorry, that was--
The wall of the subway car is torn away as IRON NEVILLE enters, laser sight in front of his human eye, whilst his cyborg eye rapidly shifts colored lenses as it scans the room. On his shoulders are mounted umpteen rocket launchers, and his left arm ends in a mammoth gatling gun that has eight rows of simultaneously firing barrels. The surface of his body is covered in plasma and his surroundings immediately begin to melt into oblivion. He speaks in an Aaron Neville falsetto with a tremolo in his voice, but also like a robot.
IRON NEVILLE
DON'T TAKE AWAY MY HEA-EA-EA-VEN, SCUMBAG
MAN 2
How am I doing that?
IRON NEVILLE launches a thousand razor sharp, hyper intelligent hoverdisks at MAN 2, who is eviscerated instantaneously. The subway car is repainted with his blood. A beat. IRON NEVILLE disengages from his attack stance and crosses to MAN 1, who is still crying. He picks up the man and cradles him.
IRON NEVILLE
I DON'T KNOW MU-UCH, BUT I KNOW I LOVE YOU-OU-OU
MAN 1 (singing)
That may be...all I need to know.
They begin to make out.
BLACKOUT.
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