The 32nd Sketch

Lights up on the COMEDY WIZARD and ROB.

COMEDY WIZARD

So it is my distinct honor to present you, Rob Morrison, with this award for finally completing the Sketchtember Sketch Writing Challenge, after failing time and again. Let this be proof that no matter how checkered one's past, Sketchtember is attainable for one and all.

The COMEDY WIZARD hands ROB a trophy.

ROB

Gee, thanks. I guess I'd like to thank --

An offstage orchestra begins to play "wrap-it-up" award show music.

COMEDY WIZARD

C'mon kid, we don't have all day.

ROB

Wait, wait, WAIT! STOP THE MUSIC!

Music stops.

ROB

This isn't an award...

ROB lifts a piece of bread off the top of the trophy, revealing a metal device.

ROB

It's a....SEIS-MO-GRAAAAAPH!

The COMEDY WIZARD runs around like his soul is on fire. ROB shrieks with mad laughter.

MARTHREGENT and MUTUAL FRIEDMAN enter.

MARTHREGENT

It's everything I evah dreamed of!

MUTUAL FRIEDMAN (screaming)

The feeling is mutual.

DR. MILKANDSHIT rides across the stage on a flood of fecal matter.

DR. MILKANDSHIT

Weeeeeeeeeeee!

ROB

ALL HAIL SKETCHTEMBERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

BLACKOUT.

Lights up on a bare stage. Two tiny glowing PEEDLESNORTS are conversing.

DADDY PEEDLESNORT

And that's how we came to know and love it today: Sketchtember.

Beat.

BABY PEEDLESNORT

Ya know...you had me going for a while there, but I don't think I believe any of that.

DADDY PEEDLESNORT

What?

BABY PEEDLESNORT

Yeah.

DADDY PEEDLESNORT

Really? What tipped you off?

BABY PEEDLESNORT

Hmm, I think the whole "Sketchtember" thing. Like anyone would really waste their time writing sketches for a whole month -- especially weird ones that would probably be unsuccessful if they were ever staged.

DADDY PEEDLESNORT

Drat. Well. Why don't you hop on your Snzidocious and we'll head back to Peedlesnort Village.

BABY PEEDLESNORT

Daaaaad! How many times do I have to tell you that mine is a Snzidocious Alimidocious! Not just a plain old boring Snzidocious like you have!

DADDY PEEDLSNORT

All right, all right.

They mount their steeds and ride off. A closing iris effect begins, a la the end of an old movie.

ANNOUNCER

So, until their next adventure kiddies, it's time to say.....

CHORUS

Goooodbyeeeeeee little Peedlesnorts, goodbyeeeeeeeeeeee!

DINOSAUR BOB's head pops into the diminishing iris.

DINOSAUR BOB (singing)

And there goes Dinosaur Boooooooob!

We see the LEAGUE OF GRUMBLY AUTHORITY LADIES descending from the heavens behind him.

DINOSAUR BOB (spoken)

Oh god no! Not again!

DINOSAUR BOB is flayed to pieces as the iris closes with a "beeeeeoooouup!"

THE END.

The Metaphysical Taco (Taco Runner #3)

Lights up on the dining room of a fastfood mexican restaurant. Two GUYS sit at a table. One of them has what appears to be an empty plate in front of him.

GUY 1

Hey, how's your taco?

GUY 2

Good, I think.

GUY 1

Is that a metaphsycial taco?

GUY 2

It would appear to be.

Beat.

GUY 2

The taste is absract.

Beat.

GUY 1

Well, that's normal.

BLACKOUT.

Raftwerk

DAVE and ROB sit on a couch. "The Model" by Kraftwerk is playing from a radio sitting on the table in front of them.

ROB

Dood, Kraftwerk is awesome!

DAVE

Sure are.

ROB

Dave, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna come up with a a parody band called Raftwerk. It's going to be a raft-rock sendup of klassic Kraftwerk songs.

DAVE

Wait. Did you just say "classic" with a "k"?

ROB

Yeah.

DAVE

And what is raft-rock?

ROB

It's a form of rock that is of and influenced by the whole raft sound.

DAVE

"The raft sound?"

ROB

Yeah, you know.

Beat. DAVE stands and pulls out a crossbow.

ROB

Shit!

DAVE aims the crossbow at ROB

DAVE

This has got to end.

ROB

No, please, my fami--

The crossbow fires. ROB is flung backwards, an arrow through his mouth. He lies dead.

DAVE

Finally. Peace.

A MAILMAN crosses the stage and hands DAVE a handful of mail, then continues across, making his exit.

MAILMAN

Here's your mail! Looks like it's mostly bills though!

DAVE shrugs sheepishly to the audience as "wah wah" music plays.

BLACKOUT.

ALTERNATE ENDING:

ROB

No, please, my fami--

The crossbow fires. ROB is flung backwards, an arrow through his mouth. He lies dead.

DAVE

Well, that's taken care of. Time to find out what's in this closet!

DAVE crosses to a closet and opens it. A large wooden raft shoots out, with a rock band on its back, playing "Pocket Calculator" by Kraftwerk. DAVE is crushed beneath its weight. The raft zips offstage and into the audience.

AUDIENCE

Weeeeeeeee!

BLACKOUT.

Electric Avenue

Writer's note: after completing this sketch, I realized that it was dangerously related to a sketch that my good friend Matt Koff has already written. It remains here on this page as a part of the Sketchtember challenge, but I would never deign to perform such a derivative, beastly thing as does lie below:

MAN 1 and MAN 2 enter. They walk up to a horizontal beam of crackling energy, right along the ground. They pause.

They pause some more.

MAN 1 (deadpan)

Wow.

MAN 2 (excited)

Yeah!

MAN 1

Yeah.

MAN 2

Uh-huh!

MAN 1

You know, I...

MAN 2

What?

MAN 1

I just...when you said "let's walk down to Electric Avenue", I just -- ha! -- i just. Kinda. Figured. That was a joke. Because of the song.

MAN 2 (shaking his head, offended)

Tch. No, it's not JUST a song, Michael. It's not just some words. We have an electric avenue in this town and it is a matter of pride.

MAN 1

Yeah, I-I can see that.

MAN 2

You know what? I went out of my way tonight. I went out of my way to take you here. Looks like that was a mistake.

MAN 2 begins to exit. MAN 1 stops him.

MAN 1

Steve, wait up.

MAN 2

No man, no. I'm my own person. My mother always told me that. And she told me that one day: I'm gonna find someone. I'm gonna find a companion. Until that day, you're so much debris blocking my path.

A beat. MAN 1 lowers his arm. MAN 2 slowly exits. Just before he does:

MAN 1 (facing away)

Oh, Steve?

MAN 2 halts.

MAN 1

You're going to miss me like a train. You know that? Like a goddamned train.

MAN 2 (head down)

I know.

MAN 2 exits.

Beat. MAN 1 eyes the beam of electricity.

MAN 1

Yeah, this is really kinda one-note.

BLACKOUT.

Stinkytime Racers

ROY sits at his cubicle, working. A portal rips into the fabric of reality next to him. A futuristically dressed MAN walks out. He lifts up the visor on his helmet.

MAN

Are you Roy Koshy?

ROY

Uh, yes. Yes I am. Who are you?

MAN

I am Snargleplex the Kind, member of the Stinkytime Racers.

ROY

Stinkytime Racers?

MAN

Yes, we are a league of --

A portal is ripped open on the other side of ROY. MAN 2 steps through.

MAN 2

--a league of time-traveling athletes who race each other to different points in time. This process causes the human body to produce thousands of times more body odor than traditional exercise, hence our name: The Stinkytime Racers.

ROY leans forward, sniffing.

ROY

You both smell fine to me.

MAN 1

Yes, well, it only happens when we travel into the future.

MAN 2

And be glad we wear time-traveling anti-persperant. Made by Old Time.

ROY

Old Time?

MAN 2

Uh huh.

Beat.

MAN 1

You don't seem very impressed.

ROY

Yeah. Well, right before you came, these guys showed up.

Two GRANDMAS enter carrying bowls of chili. They each move over to a miniature race track set up with a car for each of them. The GRANDMAS begin farting on the cars to move them.

GRANDMA 1

You're going down, Gwen!

GRANDMA 2

Keep dreamin', Judith!

The others are silent as the GRANDMAs continue their race, eating chili and farting on mini race cars.

MAN 2

Hey Snargleplex, wanna go back and see the world when Martin Short still had a career?

MAN 1

Yeah, okay.

The MEN step back through their portals.

BLACKOUT.

Harvey Pelicanbutt

Lights up on a waiting room. A NERVOUS MAN sits on a bench, tapping his toes and flicking his cigarette. He is twitching. A DAPPER MAN is seated next to him.

NERVOUS MAN

I, I just can't take it. I gotta know. Are my test results positive or negative?

DAPPER MAN

Who's your doc?

NERVOUS MAN

Dr. Milkandshit.

DAPPER MAN

Oh.

Beat.

DAPPER MAN

Would you like to empty your ashes into my pelican-butt?

NERVOUS MAN

Yeah, that would be great.

DAPPER MAN turns away from NERVOUS MAN to reveal a pelican's bill where his butt should be. DAPPER MAN is really HARVEY PELICANBUTT. The mouth opens.

DAPPER MAN

Open sez me!

They laugh as the NERVOUS MAN empties his ashtray into the pelican beak.

SINGING CHORUS

That's Haaaaaarveeeeeeey Pelicaaaaaaanbuuuuuuuuuuuuutt!

HARVEY

And don't you forget it!

BLACKOUT.

Matt Koff

Here's the Matt Koff sketch.

Lights up on MATT KOFF on a couch. Beside him are ROY and ROB. They are watching a movie.

ROY

Umm, hey Matt, is this that Zac Efron movie again?

MATT

Uhhh....

ROB

Yeah, is this 17 Again, again? Why do you keep making us watch this when we come over?

MATT

Ermmm....

ROY

Yeah, what is your MALFUNCTION, MATTHEW??

ROB

IS THERE A LOG JAMMED IN YOUR FLUME?

ROY

IS THERE A LINT PARTICLE IN YOUR BELLYBUTTON?

MATT

Well....

ROY crosses to the mantlepiece.

ROY

Is this trophy something that you like?

ROY breaks trophy with a baseball bat.

ROB

Hope not 'cos it's broken now. What about these priceless pictures of your mother on her wedding day?

ROB torches the photo album with a flamethrower.

ROY

And what about this here fourth wall--

MATT

I JUST THINK THAT THE CHARACTER WORK IS REALLY EXCITING.

Beat.

MATT

IT'S....just...exciting.

Beat.

ROB

Well, my mind is at ease.

ROY

Yeah, me too!

They high-five and plop down on the couch.

BLACKOUT.

Mutual Friedman

Lights up on an elementary school classroom. A TEACHER is standing in front of the blackboard.

TEACHER
All right class, I'd like to introduce today's speaker from DARE.....Mutual Friedman!

MUTUAL FRIEDMAN enters. He is a dressed vaguely like Truman Capote, in a pink tweed blazer and a bolo tie.

MUTUAL (shrieking)
STARK-RAVING GUMDROPS ARE EATING ME ALIVE.

The TEACHER chuckles.

MUTUAL
NO, I'M SERIOUS AND ALSO THERE'S A GREAT SALE AT FRIGATES 'R US IF YOU LIKE FRIGATES.

TEACHER
Oh, Mutual Friedman, you're just too much.

MUTUAL (to a girl in the front row of desks)
DO YOU LIKE FRIGATES, SUSAN?

GIRL
I don't know.

MUTUAL
THE FEELING IS MUTUAL.

GIRL
Is that supposed to make me laugh? You're just creeping us out.

MUTUAL
VIRGINIA WASN'T NAMED AFTER VIRGIN MEGASTORE.

GIRL
Duh.

MUTUAL
ALSO THERE'S THIS.

MUTUAL FRIEDMAN holds up a movie poster for "Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings."

MUTUAL
WHAT DOES THIS SAY TO YOU?

GIRL
Umm, that Lance Henriksen aims low?

MUTUAL
THE FEELING IS MUTUAL.

Beat.

MUTUAL
DO YOU STILL WANT TO DO DRUGS?

GIRL
Well, I didn't before, but I'm considering it now.

MUTUAL
THIS CALLS FOR FRUIT SEED TIDDLYWINKS, THE GAME THAT LETS YOU PLAY TIDDLYWINKS WITH FRUIT SEEDS.

MUTUAL FRIEDMAN begins playing Tiddlywinks with a handful of apple seeds. The GIRL places a phone call. We see a DEALER enter. He sells her some cocaine and exits. She begins doing lines off of her desk. MUTUAL FRIEDMAN finishes playing his game.

MUTUAL
TA-DA!

TEACHER (applauding)
How do you do it?

MUTUAL
THE FEELING IS MUTUAL.

TEACHER
What?

GIRL
Wait, this isn't cocaine, this is a...

GIRL lifts piece of bread off her "drugs" to reveal a metal object.

GIRL
SEIS-MO-GRAAAAPH!

The TEACHER and MUTUAL FRIEDMAN run around like chickens with their heads cut off. The GIRL laughs menacingly.

BLACKOUT.

The Flyer Family

Lights up on the home of the Flyer Family. The house is designed as a cutaway, so we can see into all the rooms. It is morning. An alarm clock goes off in MOM and DAD's room. A hand stiffles the alarm. DAD springs up. (note: the Flyer Family sings unless otherwise noted.)

DAD

OH, THIS MORNING IS A PRETTY ONE!

FAMILY (springing from their beds)

A PRETTY ONE!

MOM

IT'S SHAPING UP TO BE A GOOD DAY!

FAMILY

A GOOD DAY!

SON

AND IT'LL BE A GOOD NIGHT, FAR AS I CAN SEEEEEEEEEEEEE

DAUGHTER

OH I LOVE MY LIFE IN THE FLYER FAMILY.

Musical interlude. The family goes downstairs to the kitchen.

MOM

I'LL PUT THE COFFEE ON!

SON goes to the front door, opens it, and picks up a flyer.

SON

LOOK, FAMILY, A FLYER!

FAMILY

A FLYER, A FLYER, FOR THE FLYER FAMILY!

The family gathers around.

DAUGHTER

WHAT DOES IT SAY? WHAT DOES IT SAY?

DAD (slowly)

CHINA.....GOURMET....GARDEN....TAKEOUT AND DINING!!!!!

DAUGHTER (spoken)

Can we please?

DAD and MOM look at each other knowingly.

Musical swell.

MOM (spoken)

Hope everyone's hungry!

FAMILY

OH IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER ADVENTURE!!!!!!!

DAD (spoken)

Onward......to CHINA GOURMET GARDEN TAKEOUT AND DINING!!!

Lights change and a dream ballet takes place. Four chinese SERVERS come out and dance with the individual members of the FLYER FAMILY. The SERVERS then leap across the stage, crossing each other, with ribbons running out behind them. Eventually the ballet begins to fade back to the set of the FAMILY's house, now nighttime. MOM and DAD are tucking in SON and DAUGHTER.

The music is soft and lullabyish.

MOM

WHAT A NIGHT

DAD

WE'LL REMEMBER IT FOREVER

MOM

THE MOON IS GOING TO BED

DAD

SO LET'S GO TOGETHER

They get into bed.

SON

LIFE, I LOVE YOU SO. I HAVE ALL MY HEART DESIRES....

DAUGHTER

OH IT'S BECAUSE OF THE MIRACLE OF

FAMILY

FLYYYYYYYEERRRRRRRS!

MOM and DAD turn off their light. Music pulls back to a delicate music box sound.

DAUGHTER

IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF THE MIRACLE OF FLYYYYYYYEERRRRRRRS.

BLACKOUT.

A GRAVE MATTER

Lights up on a graveyard. A THUG stands above a beat-up MAN, who is digging in a grave. The THUG has a gun trained on the MAN.

THUG

I told ya if ya mess with the boss, this would be the punishment.

MAN (throwing down the shovel)

I've resigned myself to my fate. I only hope you can resign yourself to what you need to do.

Silence. The THUG raises the gun. He squints. He prepares to squeeze the trigger.

Suddenly, the GRIM REAPER emerges from the dirt.

GRIM REAPER

Eh, I wouldn't.

THUG

Oh, no?

GRIM REAPER

Naw, it's really, uh...really kinda crowded.

MAN

Crowded?

GRIM REAPER

Yeah, you wouldn't like it. Bunched up. Not cool.

THUG

Crowded, eh?

GRIM REAPER

Uh huh.

THUG

Well gee, man. I don't want that for you.

MAN

Yeah, that doesn't sound good.

GRIM REAPER

It's not.

THUG

Well, hey, let's figure something else out. Maybe we should just let you live instead.

MAN

Okay, if you think so.

THUG helps the MAN out of the grave.

GRIM REAPER

See ya guys.

THUG AND MAN

See ya.

GRIM REAPER

Oh, and pass that on, what I said about down there.

THUG

You got it.

The THUG and the MAN exit. Beat.

GRIM REAPER

Sweet! Got the place to myself tonight. I gotta call Lisa.

The GRIM REAPER pulls out a flip-phone.

BLACKOUT.

Wes Craven's Fast Food Delivery Nightmare

Lights up on the home of WES CRAVEN. Seated on a couch, center stage, is WES CRAVEN, twiddling his thumbs.

CREEPY ANNOUNCER

And now...a A DAY IN THE LIFE OF WES CRAVEN....

The doorbell rings.

WES CRAVEN

Ah.

WES CRAVEN crosses to the front door and opens it. A chinese delivery MAN is standing there.

WES CRAVEN

Perfect. I was really starting to get hungry. What do I owe you?

MAN

Nine fifty.

WES CRAVEN

Okay. Can you break a twenty?

MAN

No, no change.

WES CRAVEN

No change? Really? Aren't you...aren't you supposed to carry change around? I mean...gosh...I'd like to give you a tip...uh...hey, I know. I think I've got some Sacagawea coins in that bowl that I put my keys in!

WES CRAVEN reaches into the bowl and pulls out a fistful of coins.

WES CRAVEN

Crisis averted! Ha.

MAN laughs feebly. WES CRAVEN hands him the money.

WES CRAVEN

Okay, I trust you packaged up a pair of chopsticks for me..?

MAN

Oh, no, sorry, no chopstick.

WES CRAVEN

What?! Again? Oh boy. Well, I guess I can appreciate your culture without using chopsticks. Just not the same. Oh well. Thank you.

MAN (handing him food)

Thank you.

WES CRAVEN shuts the door. Plops down on the couch. Opens bag. Begins setting out food on the coffee table, opening containers and spreading out napkins. He tucks one napkin into his shirt at the collar. He pauses for a moment. Then:

WES CRAVEN

Aw man, they forgot duck sauce. This just...this really stinks.

CREEPY ANNOUNCER

This has been....a DAY IN THE LIFE OF WES CRAVEN! HAAHAHAAAHAAHAHAHAA!

BLACKOUT.

El Scorcho

Video. A SOLDIER sits in a chair, documentary style.

SOLDIER

People always ask me: hey man, why'd you commit war crimes? Why'd you go against your upbringing and join the army, and give up dreams of being an avante garde artist and marrying a hip girl from Brooklyn who has the spirit of Michelle Williams and the dance moves of Ellen Page....and I tell them: IT WAS EL SCORCHO!!!!!

CUT TO: graphics flying across the screen: EL SCORCHO, THE NEW FLAMETHROWER.

ANNOUNCER

That's right, with the US Army's patented new flamethrower, El Scorcho, you too can sell out whilst remaining hip to a loose concept of emotional expression.

CUT TO: Another SOLDIER torching girl scouts on a playground, clearly in America.

SOLDIER (to camera, thumbs up)

Goddamned these half-japaneeeeese girls.....

ANNOUNCER

Yes, El Scorcho. So set your hipster inside you free. Join the army. We have a flamethrower. Called El Scorcho. And you can relate to that name. It's a song you like.

CUT TO: El Scorcho flamethrower on display mount, rotating for the camera. A shimmering purple curtain hangs behind it.

ANNOUNCER

The US Army: we'll send you Across the Sea.

SOLDIER (emerging from behind the display)

Why Bother with the competition? We do it like No Other One. Come live The Good Life!

ANNOUNCER (quick disclaimer)

Please note that future flamethrowers will pale in comparison to this one, and we'll quickly descend the slippery slope to self-parody. You'll still pick up our flamethrowers though. So will every Tom, Dick, and Harry....heck, I don't care if your Name is Jonas! You'll want to but be forced to tell yourself, "Don't Let Go." So Keep Fishin' and Make Believe what you need to. But leave us? Say It Ain't So.

Beat.

Also....(If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To.

END.

The Ultraviolet Taco (Taco Runner #2)

Lights up on the dining room of a fastfood mexican restaurant. Two GUYS sit at a table. One of them is eating a taco with several wires coming out of it and running under the table.

GUY 1

Hey, how's your taco?

GUY 2

Delicious, thank you.

GUY 1

Is that an ultraviolet taco?

GUY 2

Yup.

Beat.

GUY 2

The taste is so bright, I gotta wear shades.

GUY 2 flips down some shades in front of his eyes. Beat.

GUY 1

Is that desirable?

BLACKOUT.

Jellyfish Armpits

Video. EXT - a water fountain in a public square. We hear an off-camera singing CHORUS.

CHORUS

Who's that guy with jellyfish armpits?

MAN pops into frame. He has jellyfish in his armpits.

MAN (lifting his arms)

Meeeee!

CHORUS

That's right!

EXT - we see a street vendor.

CHORUS

Who's that guy who buys griddle cakes and has jellyfish in his armpits?

MAN bounces into frame eating fried dough.

MAN

That's meeeeee!

CHORUS

Uh huh!!!!

INT - Bank teller window.

CHORUS

Who's that guy who uses an out-of-state deposit slip and also has jellyfish armpits?

MAN slides into frame, writing on deposit slip.

MAN

That's meeeeeheeheheeeheee!

CHORUS

Sure is!

EXT - Outer space.

CHORUS

Who's that guy getting penetrated by space junk moving at millions of miles per hour, and has jellyfish armpits?

MAN drifts into frame.

MAN

That would be m--

Space junk shoots through the MAN's chest and forehead in a millisecond, puncturing vital organs and killing him.

Beat.

BLACKOUT.

Seismograph

Lights up on a diner. WAITRESS brings CUSTOMER a tray and sets it down in front of him.

WAITRESS

All right sir, here's your Turkey Sandwich.

She beings to walk away.

CUSTOMER

Wait, this isn't a sandwich.

WAITRESS

Oh, no?

CUSTOMER

No, it's a.....SEIS-MO-GRAAAPH.

He dramatically lifts the top slice of bread off the sandwich to reveal a large metal SEISMOGRAPH.

Angular, mental music plays. The WAITRESS runs around like the sky is falling in. The CUSTOMER looks on and cackles maniacally.

BLACKOUT.

Onion Rings

Lights up on a suburban home. FATHER AND MOTHER sit on a couch, watching tv. SON enters.

SON

Hey, are we still going out for dinner?

FATHER

You bet! Anything you want, tiger.

SON

Okay. I think I'd really like to get some onion rings.

Beat. FATHER turns to look at SON.

FATHER (in hyper-sarcastic tone)

Oh. Onion rings? Hmmmm. Where do we have to go for ONION RINGS, huh?

SON

Dad, I don't know what you're...

FATHER (to MOM)

Gee, Phyllis, I wonder if we'll have to go to TASTY TOM'S WHERE THE ONION RINGS ARE HOT AND CRISPY AND WHERE MY BROTHER DEWEY WAS MURDERED TWENTY YEARS AGO BY THE HANDS OF A RAVING MADMAN. IS THAT WHAT YOU HAD IN MIND, SON?

MOM (gently)

Now honey, Dewey wasn't really killed there, he was killed behind that CVS--

FATHER

THE CVS THAT IS RIGHT NEXT TO TASTY TOM'S.

MOM

Honey, they're in different townships.

FATHER

THEY'RE RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER ON THE STOCK TICKER.

MOM

Honey, Tasty Tom's doesn't have its own stock, and if it did, it begins with a "T". CVS begins with a "C".

FATHER

NOT ON THE STOCK TICKER THAT'S ORGANIZED ACCORDING TO PLACES NEAR WHERE DEWEY WAS SODOMIZED AND MUTILATED.

MOM

Honey, they only found his bag of gym clothes and a letter reading he was running away from home.

FATHER

RUNNING AWAY TO HEAVEN BECAUSE HE'S DEAD!

MOM

Honey, he's been writing letters to you for 20 years. He lives in Scranton. We've been trying to tell you for two decades that he's not dead.

FATHER

Well he should be dead. He....deserted...Tasty Tom's.

Beat.

SON

So, I guess we're eating in again?

BLACKOUT

Dinosaur Bob

This is an old-timey cartoon, vintage film projector look, you get the idea.

VOICE

Wake up campers, because....

CHORUS

Here comes Dinosaur Booooooooob!

DINOSAUR BOB walks out. He's half-cowboy, half-dragon.

DINOSAUR BOB

Well hey there kids. Thanks for comin out to the Cuddly Corral. Remember how much fun we had yesterday? Well get ready to have even more! Yessir.

The SCARLET WIZARD enters riding on a giant Mantis.

WIZARD

Death comes to you on swift wings, Bob!

DINOSAUR BOB

The Scarlet Wizard! No!!!!!

Carnage ensues and it's scary.

CHORUS

And there goes Dinosaur Booooooooobbb!

BLACKOUT.

The Fifth Falcon

Lights up on the dining room of Arnold's Restaurant, after hours. We see FONZIE, RICHIE, POTSY, AND RALPH. They have chains, boards, and baseball bats.

RICHIE

Gee, Fonzie, I don't know about this new kid you recruited for the gang. I don't know if he's got what it takes to be a Falcon. I mean, he's running late...

POTSY

Yeah, and he's got awful taste in music!

RALPH

Yeah, and he caught me stealing his -- mmmhmmmhmhmhmhm -- banana cream pie!

RICHIE

Oh, Malph.

FONZIE

Look. I'm your gang leader, ain't I?

They nod.

FONZIE

And you're the gang non-leaders, arentcha?

They nod.

FONZIE

So put a little bit a faith in me okay? Here he comes now. The kid is fine!

CLARENCE enters. He is dressed flamboyantly.

CLARENCE

Heeeyyyy gang!

ALL

Hey Clarence.

CLARENCE giggles.

FONZIE

Clarence, was there something you wanted to tell me?

CLARENCE

Yeah, you smell like lip balm and raspberries.

CLARENCE giggles.

FONZIE

Look, stop that, okay? Geez. Uh...

CLARENCE

How would you like a zerbert?

FONZIE

A what? I don't--

CLARENCE runs over to FONZIE and zerberts his stomach.

FONZIE (lunging)

HEY NOW CUT IT THE FUCK OUT! What is your problem?

CLARENCE

Problem? The only problem in here is there's not enough SHOOOOOOOOOOOWTUUUUUUNES!

CLARENCE snaps his fingers and "I Am What I Am" from Le Cage Aux Folles plays. A chorus of singers emerges from the wings, swaying and holding hands.

RICHIE

Told ya, Fonz! I can't put my finger on it, but there's something off about him.

CLARENCE

Oh, Arthur!

FONZIE

Don't call me that! It's Fonzie or it's nothing!

CLARENCE

So sensitive! But that can be a good thing...(giggles)...

"The Rhythm of Life" from Sweet Charity begins to play.

CLARENCE

....but Arthur, I meant to tell you there's to be a tussle with the Snakes 'round midnight at the loading docks.

FONZIE

A RUMBLE, A RUMBLE! NOT A TUSSLE!

CLARENCE

Oh, you know, there's going to be a skirmish? With those brutes?

FONZIE

RUUUUMMMMMBBBBLLLLEEEEEEE.

CLARENCE

A regular old fracas! That's what I call it.

FONZIE

Goddamnit Clarence, you're out the Falcons! I'm kickin' you out!

CLARENCE

All right team, let's get this queen a Jamba Juice! It's 4 o'clock, tea time!

CLARENCE is swept away by a sea of dancers. FONZIE chases after him, sobbing, falling to his knees.

FONZIE

Nooooo ohh God, what have I done? He's gone, he's gone he's GAAAWN!

POTSY

Fonz, why didn't you just tell him you loved him when he was here?

RALPH

Yeah, you had all the chances in the world.

RICHIE

But none of the confidence.

POTSY

Are we gonna have to have a sitdown with the Confidence Clown again?

FONZ

Shucks, I guess so.

Jaunty Music. The CONFIDENCE CLOWN enters juggling hearts.

CLOWN

Well, kids, the secret to confidence is--

A laser beam is seen on the CLOWN's forehead.

RICHIE

Confidence Clown, watch out!

ALL

Noooooooooooooo--

A show rings out as a sniper assassinates the CONFIDENCE CLOWN. POTSY, FONZIE, and RALPH begin scrambling around the stage.

POTSY, FONZIE, RALPH

(nervous cartoony noises)

They exit in different directions, cartoon running noise accompanying them. Beat.

RICHIE

Wow, there was a shark after that first one. There's a second shark.

BLACKOUT.

The League of Grumbly Authority Ladies

Lights up on a London street, vaguely Edwardian looking. A MAN runs on stage. A CONSTABLE runs after him. They halt.

CONSTABLE

Cease your escape, villain! I shall report you to the LEAGUE OF GRUMBLY AUTHORITY LADIES!!!!!!

MAN

Yeah right.

Lightning flashes, thunder. A harried, angular orchestra piece plays as dozens of old, dumpy, nearly square-shaped ladies descend onto the stage. They have wings.

MAN

Oh my god! That's the League of Grumbly Authority Ladies?

CONSTABLE

Aye, it IS. IT IS.

MAN

Look, you should really tell people that they fly. That's actually way more important than "grumbly".

CONSTABLE

I don't need that kind of criticism.

The LADIES have landed and are encircling the MAN.

MAN

Or that they have eyes like glowing coals. And three-inch long fangs that are grey.

CONSTABLE

Please, I worked hard on public speaking, it's a big fear of mine. Don't make me feel badly about the title of--

MAN

And I'm pretty sure that one is 100% gargoyl--

The LADIES pounce on him, tearing him to shreds.

CONSTABLE

Well, my confidence is shot for the week.

BLACKOUT.

The Mexican Prisoner

Lights up on an old Texas jail. A mexican MAN is dragged in by a GUARD, who violently hurls him into a jailcell, locking it.

GUARD

You have offended the general for the last time, Juan De Los Marquez!

MAN

He is a man who deserves it.

GUARD

You lie! And what's more, you'll never get out of this jail cell.

MAN

No...

GUARD

Yes! There's a sandstorm coming this way. All the men are leaving. And the general is leaving with your....Rosalita.

MAN

NO.

GUARD

Yes, and she told him that she loves him!

MAN

NO!

GUARD

Yes, and she told him that she's going to give up her virginity for him!

MAN

NOOOO!

GUARD

Yes, and he said, who are you kidding, you're not a virgin!

MAN

NOOOOOO!

GUARD

Yes, and she replied oh all right I've been around the block I can't lie.

MAN

NOOOO-HOO!

GUARD

Yes, and then they bought a whole box of rubbahs!

MAN

NOO-O!

GUARD

Yes, and they decided not to use them but still they had sex!

MAN

NoooOOOOOOOOooooOOOO!

GUARD

Yes, and in this fit of sexual experimentation, broke state laws doing so.

MAN

!NOOOOOOO!

GUARD

Yes, Es-PAiR-Uh-Muhn-Tey-Shown.

MAN

N!o!O!o!O!o!

GUARD

Yes, and later he slurped brie cheese off her kneecaps as she braided his pubes.

MAN

NO-Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

GUARD

Yes, and within these pubes she discovered a world of tiny glowing creatures!

MAN

no!

GUARD

Yes, and they had lanterns for heads and called themselves the Peedlesnorts!

MAN

NOOOOOOOowooOOOOOO

GUARD

And the Peedlesnorts rode around on tiny legged fungi called Snzidocious, and also Snzidocious Alimodocious!

MAN

NooOooooOooOoOOOo

GUARD

Yes, and the Peedlesnorts and their faithful steeds proclaim themselves to be the one true deity that has existed in this festival of sad clowns and burning passion we call the universe.

MAN

(NO)

GUARD

Yes, and they are!

MAN

*#@&

GUARD

Yes, and their story was handed down from generation to generation until one fateful day, Rosalita's greatgreatgreatgreatgrandson will have to turn the the Peedlesnorts story when he runs out of ideas for a pitch at the cartoon studios he works at, MGM Studios. And that's how we came to know and love them today: THE Peedlesnorts. Darlings of the silver screen, Starlings of the quiver stein, Stars of my heart and of yours and yours, THE PEEDLESNORTS.

Beat.

MAN

You know....now I'm not sure that I should believe anything else that you said.

GUARD

Yeah. I fucked up.

Beat.

MAN

Yeah.

BLACKOUT

Dr. Milkandshit

Lights up on a doctor's office. A PATIENT is sitting on the examination table. Beat. DR. MILKANDSHIT enters with a folder

DR

All right, I've got your test results back, sir.

PATIENT

Ah, Dr. Milkandshit. Finally. The suspense was killing me.

DR

Hopefully that's all that's killing you!

They laugh.

PATIENT

Okay, but can you tell me what the results are now?

DR

Yes yes yes. Let me just do one thing first.

PATIENT

All right, Dr. Milkandshit.

DR. MILKANDSHIT sets down the folder. He opens a drawer behind his desk, removing a tall glass of milk. He drinks the milk. Beat. He opens the folder.

DR

All right then. So, the results are...ooch!

DR. MILKANDSHIT doubles over. Fart sounds. He is shitting his pants.

DR

The results.....ughh....errmmm....the tests proved that you...

PATIENT

Dr. Milkandshit, are you all right?

DR (bearing down)

Yes. Now please...please let me do my job....

PATIENT

Um, all right--

DR (squatting)

You're duh....duh.....

PATIENT

Dying? I'm dying?!

DR

No, you're du...

PATIENT

Delivered from illness?!

DR (shit is dribbling out of his pant legs)

No. Oh, I'm gonna need some reinforcements.

DR. MILKANDSHIT pulls out a book from his bookshelf, opens it. There is an udder standing up in the middle of the book. He begins suckling it. While suckling, he says the following with increasing dramatic flair:

DR

YOUR DIAGNOSIS IS GOING TO TAKE ANOTHER TWO WEEKS BECAUSE WE LOST YOUR BLOOD SAMPLE!!!!!

DR. MILKANDSHIT's pants are ripped to shreds as a tidal wave of shit slaps all corners of the stage. Beat.

PATIENT

Well, thanks for being honest.

DR

Hey, honesty's my middle name. Dr. Malpractice Honesty Milkandshit.

PATIENT

I still can't figure out why I'm your only client.

DR

Meeeeee neeeeeeither.....

They bring their hands to their faces in a thoughtful gesture.

BLACKOUT.

Xmas medley cassette tape only $1 HAWTTT!

CRAIGSLIST AD:

Xmas medley cassette tape only $1 HAWTTT!

Hi i am selling a tape. it is a cassette tape of xmas songs -- your very own xmas medley! all your favorites are here: "Silver Bells", that song from peanuts, "Raindrops Keep Fallin' On My Head." the list goes on and on! all these classics in one place, on a high-quality RadioShack cassette. with handcrafted liner notes in pen-and-ink style, listing all the tracks, like "Greensleeves", "Black Hole Sun" and "half of the Brown Album by Primus."

this lovely piece of xmas history contains no more than 70% songs that could be described as being tenuously linked to xmas at best. a bargain like this comes around only once in a lifetime, kidz. if interested, respond to this ad. only serious buyers, please. will consider negotiations.

no this was not a mixtape i made for my ex-girlfriend that i'm now trying to sell for a buck so's to fuel my habit of sniffing cockroach trap bait

Wacky Massage

Lights up on a spa. A GUEST is in a bathrobe. A BUTLER enters.

BUTLER

Hello, miss. Your masseuse today will be Sweetums.

GUEST

Um, Sweetums?

BUTLER

Yes. Sweetums.

SWEETUMS from Looney Toons rushes in, then stands braced in the doorway facing the GUEST. The GUEST has assumed a dramatic stance. Musical sting.

GUEST

Well well well. We meet again.

MUSIC CUE: "Theme from Mortal Kombat"

V.O.

Moooooooortaaaaal Koooombaaaaaaat!

SWEETUMS and the GUEST lunge at each other.

BLACKOUT.

TOTO

Lights up on an UGLY MAN swaying on a bare stage. Toto's "I Won't Hold You Back" plays. There are some candles.

ANNOUNCER

Toto IV, the fourth album by Toto.

Beat. The MAN is still swaying.

ANNOUNCER

Because it's never too late to buy Toto IV, the fourth album by Toto.

BLACKOUT.

Where Are They Now?

EXT- Large outdoor concert arena. We see the front row, where two fans are standing and cheering.

FAN 1

Wow. Sixpence None the Richer. Why did I stop listening to them?

The bass player of the band is tackled by his band, stripped of his shirt, and forcibly pierced through the chest. He screams and there is bleeding. The band silently resumes their positions and begins playing "Kiss Me."

FAN1

Oh, right.

BLACKOUT.

The Amplified Taco

Lights up on the dining room of a fastfood mexican restaurant. Two GUYS sit at a table. One of them is eating a taco with several wires coming out of it and running under the table.

GUY 1

Hey, how's your taco?

GUY 2

It's great, thanks.

GUY 1

Is that an amplified taco?

GUY 2

Sure is.

Beat.

GUY 2

The taste is loud.

Beat.

GUY 1

Is that a good thing?

BLACKOUT.

Word of the Gay

Lights up on a bare stage.

ANNOUNCER

And now, today's word that, when pronounced with a stereotypically gay voice, sounds funny!......

ENTER an effeminate MAN in an easter pink sweater with a yellow mesh scarf tucked into the collar like an ascot.

MAN

Ssssssstrap. Straaaaaaap. Strapuh!

Pause. The MAN exits.

ANNOUNCER

Until next time, this is "Word of the Gay."

BLACKOUT.

Solstice

INT - Chapel. A MAN stands by the altar, holding hands with the concept of SOLSTICE. A PRIEST is presiding.

PRIEST: Do you, Jacob Freehorn, take the Concept of Solstice to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, through sickness and in health, til death do you part?

MAN: I do.

PRIEST: By the powers vested in me by the state of -- I'm sorry. I can't do this. Are you thinking here, son? Do you really want to marry the Concept of Solstice? I mean, she's only gonna be around twice a year...

MAN: I know.

PRIEST: No matter what Solstice is not as much fun to say as Equinox...

MAN: I know.

PRIEST: And you're still not over your ex-wife who died in that accident two days ago...

MAN: Look, don't you think I know that? I'm just....I'm just feeling lucky, is all.

PRIEST: Oh! Well why didn't you say so! Feeling lucky?! Well, let's do this!

The roof of the chapel lifts off and a swarm of Griffins wearing DJ outfits fly in and play thumping dance tunes. Dwarves pop out of barrels and begin happily drinking while a beautiful skeleton dances with a violin.

BLACKOUT.

Dan McCoy

VIDEO.

INT: Office. DAN McCOY is sitting at a desk. There is a Wendy's Frosty on the desk. BOSS walks in.

BOSS: Dan McCoy, have you been working in here, or eating a Wendy's Frosty in here?

Close-up of DAN's face, beads of sweat rolling down his face. Swirling montage of ticking clocks, clocks with cat's eyes, calendar pages tearing off, and echoey voice of the BOSS saying "Dan McCoy, have you been working in here, or eating a Wendy's Frosty in here?" Finally:

DAN McCOY: (painfully) Working?

The BOSS eyes DAN McCOY.

BOSS: (as he steps back through the door) All right, McCoy. All right.

END.

Leaves on DeathParade

EXT - Two leaves are sitting side by side on a log.

LEAF 1 : I did not wish for a future, and yet a future has come.

LEAF 2: That is life.

LEAF 1: I did not wish for a sadness, but yet a sadness has fallen.

LEAF 2: That is love.

LEAF 1: I did not wish for beasts and vermin to tumble from my eye sockets and drown in the pool of my own bile.

LEAF 2: That is slainte.

LEAF 1: I did not wis--wait. Did you just say "slawnchah?"

LEAF 2: Slainte. It's Irish for good faith, I think. I saw it on a beer coaster at Bennigan's once and--

LEAF 1: SLAINTE? SLAINTE? I've been writing my lines for months and you come out here and free associate? My agent is out there tonight!

LEAF 2: What? You have an agent?!

A mime runs across the stage and falls asleep halfway, holding a card that reads:

FIN.

The Drifter

This is an audio sketch.

We hear the sounds of cars driving past us, as though on a highway. Crickets surge in with the ensuing silence. Desert sounds. Boots approach.

DRIFTER (VO): Hey there stranger. They tell me you like a good story. Let's see what I've got for ya. I bet you've never heard the story of Thomas Jefferson. Well, lemme tell ya all about that particular gennelman. Yah see, waaaay back in another century, there lived a jolly little woman named-- what? You've uh, you've heard that story? (pause) Oh. well. I uh, I see. Oookay, but I betcha haven't heard the story of Jesus Christ! Haha, it's a good one. Once upon a sailor's moon -- eh? You've what? You've heard that one too? Aww for the love of Pete, how is that possible! (in an aside voice) Geez, what am I supposed to do? Kids today. They've heard all the stories. Thomas Jefferson. Jesus Christ. There's nothing an old guy like me, set in his vagrant ways, can do! Oh! oh right! The third story, that's it. (back to normal voice) All right, here ya go, toughguy. Here ya go. Have you ever heard the story of you? Ha! Betcha never ever ever ever -- Eh? You....(beat.). Wait! Come back! I need this!

(his voice grows distant during this as the boots set off running)

ANNOUNCER (VO): Don't fall prey to that guy. Get your stories from the best drifters in town, at Marco & Marco Drifter Associates. We're the driftahs that don't come to getcha.

DRIFTER (VO): What about the story of storytelling?

END.

Marthregent the Hobo

EXT. - behind a high school. Two young adults are leaning against a brick wall. They have skateboards.


KID 1: Yeah that was a killer halfpipe.

KID 2: Was not!

KID 1: Was so!

KID 2: Why I oughtta --


Enter Marthregent the Hobo.


MARTHREGENT: (high pitched creepy voice) Hey kids, got any rubbahs?

KID 1: Oh hey, Marthregent.

KID 2: Hi.

MARTHREGENT: C'mon, now, don't hold out your old pal, Marthregent! Where are the rubbahs?

KID 2: You mean condoms?

MARTHREGENT: Uhhh....don't be square, Jer: you got any rubbahs?

KID 1: Marthregent, we get it. You need protection. Prophylactics.

MARTHREGENT: Erm...rubbahs...

KID 2; Yeah, Marthregent! Why can't you just spit it out?! YOU NEED A LAYER OF ENGINEERED LATEX DESIGNED TO LUBRICATE AND PROVIDE SPERMICIDE, DON'T YOU? DON'T YOU?

MARTHREGENT: (reduced to tears) Oh oh oh, yes, yes, it's all true. It's all Trueeeeeeee!


MARTHREGENT collapses in the mud. Beat.

KIDS 1+2 laugh

KID 1: Oh, Marthregent!


KID 2: Silly, silly Marthregent.

KID 1: Of course we have rubbahs!!!!


They reach into their pockets and set loose a flock of condoms unto the air.


EVERYONE: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

MARTHREGENT: It's everything I evah wanted!


BLACKOUT.