The 32nd Sketch

Lights up on the COMEDY WIZARD and ROB.

COMEDY WIZARD

So it is my distinct honor to present you, Rob Morrison, with this award for finally completing the Sketchtember Sketch Writing Challenge, after failing time and again. Let this be proof that no matter how checkered one's past, Sketchtember is attainable for one and all.

The COMEDY WIZARD hands ROB a trophy.

ROB

Gee, thanks. I guess I'd like to thank --

An offstage orchestra begins to play "wrap-it-up" award show music.

COMEDY WIZARD

C'mon kid, we don't have all day.

ROB

Wait, wait, WAIT! STOP THE MUSIC!

Music stops.

ROB

This isn't an award...

ROB lifts a piece of bread off the top of the trophy, revealing a metal device.

ROB

It's a....SEIS-MO-GRAAAAAPH!

The COMEDY WIZARD runs around like his soul is on fire. ROB shrieks with mad laughter.

MARTHREGENT and MUTUAL FRIEDMAN enter.

MARTHREGENT

It's everything I evah dreamed of!

MUTUAL FRIEDMAN (screaming)

The feeling is mutual.

DR. MILKANDSHIT rides across the stage on a flood of fecal matter.

DR. MILKANDSHIT

Weeeeeeeeeeee!

ROB

ALL HAIL SKETCHTEMBERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

BLACKOUT.

Lights up on a bare stage. Two tiny glowing PEEDLESNORTS are conversing.

DADDY PEEDLESNORT

And that's how we came to know and love it today: Sketchtember.

Beat.

BABY PEEDLESNORT

Ya know...you had me going for a while there, but I don't think I believe any of that.

DADDY PEEDLESNORT

What?

BABY PEEDLESNORT

Yeah.

DADDY PEEDLESNORT

Really? What tipped you off?

BABY PEEDLESNORT

Hmm, I think the whole "Sketchtember" thing. Like anyone would really waste their time writing sketches for a whole month -- especially weird ones that would probably be unsuccessful if they were ever staged.

DADDY PEEDLESNORT

Drat. Well. Why don't you hop on your Snzidocious and we'll head back to Peedlesnort Village.

BABY PEEDLESNORT

Daaaaad! How many times do I have to tell you that mine is a Snzidocious Alimidocious! Not just a plain old boring Snzidocious like you have!

DADDY PEEDLSNORT

All right, all right.

They mount their steeds and ride off. A closing iris effect begins, a la the end of an old movie.

ANNOUNCER

So, until their next adventure kiddies, it's time to say.....

CHORUS

Goooodbyeeeeeee little Peedlesnorts, goodbyeeeeeeeeeeee!

DINOSAUR BOB's head pops into the diminishing iris.

DINOSAUR BOB (singing)

And there goes Dinosaur Boooooooob!

We see the LEAGUE OF GRUMBLY AUTHORITY LADIES descending from the heavens behind him.

DINOSAUR BOB (spoken)

Oh god no! Not again!

DINOSAUR BOB is flayed to pieces as the iris closes with a "beeeeeoooouup!"

THE END.

The Metaphysical Taco (Taco Runner #3)

Lights up on the dining room of a fastfood mexican restaurant. Two GUYS sit at a table. One of them has what appears to be an empty plate in front of him.

GUY 1

Hey, how's your taco?

GUY 2

Good, I think.

GUY 1

Is that a metaphsycial taco?

GUY 2

It would appear to be.

Beat.

GUY 2

The taste is absract.

Beat.

GUY 1

Well, that's normal.

BLACKOUT.

Raftwerk

DAVE and ROB sit on a couch. "The Model" by Kraftwerk is playing from a radio sitting on the table in front of them.

ROB

Dood, Kraftwerk is awesome!

DAVE

Sure are.

ROB

Dave, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna come up with a a parody band called Raftwerk. It's going to be a raft-rock sendup of klassic Kraftwerk songs.

DAVE

Wait. Did you just say "classic" with a "k"?

ROB

Yeah.

DAVE

And what is raft-rock?

ROB

It's a form of rock that is of and influenced by the whole raft sound.

DAVE

"The raft sound?"

ROB

Yeah, you know.

Beat. DAVE stands and pulls out a crossbow.

ROB

Shit!

DAVE aims the crossbow at ROB

DAVE

This has got to end.

ROB

No, please, my fami--

The crossbow fires. ROB is flung backwards, an arrow through his mouth. He lies dead.

DAVE

Finally. Peace.

A MAILMAN crosses the stage and hands DAVE a handful of mail, then continues across, making his exit.

MAILMAN

Here's your mail! Looks like it's mostly bills though!

DAVE shrugs sheepishly to the audience as "wah wah" music plays.

BLACKOUT.

ALTERNATE ENDING:

ROB

No, please, my fami--

The crossbow fires. ROB is flung backwards, an arrow through his mouth. He lies dead.

DAVE

Well, that's taken care of. Time to find out what's in this closet!

DAVE crosses to a closet and opens it. A large wooden raft shoots out, with a rock band on its back, playing "Pocket Calculator" by Kraftwerk. DAVE is crushed beneath its weight. The raft zips offstage and into the audience.

AUDIENCE

Weeeeeeeee!

BLACKOUT.

Electric Avenue

Writer's note: after completing this sketch, I realized that it was dangerously related to a sketch that my good friend Matt Koff has already written. It remains here on this page as a part of the Sketchtember challenge, but I would never deign to perform such a derivative, beastly thing as does lie below:

MAN 1 and MAN 2 enter. They walk up to a horizontal beam of crackling energy, right along the ground. They pause.

They pause some more.

MAN 1 (deadpan)

Wow.

MAN 2 (excited)

Yeah!

MAN 1

Yeah.

MAN 2

Uh-huh!

MAN 1

You know, I...

MAN 2

What?

MAN 1

I just...when you said "let's walk down to Electric Avenue", I just -- ha! -- i just. Kinda. Figured. That was a joke. Because of the song.

MAN 2 (shaking his head, offended)

Tch. No, it's not JUST a song, Michael. It's not just some words. We have an electric avenue in this town and it is a matter of pride.

MAN 1

Yeah, I-I can see that.

MAN 2

You know what? I went out of my way tonight. I went out of my way to take you here. Looks like that was a mistake.

MAN 2 begins to exit. MAN 1 stops him.

MAN 1

Steve, wait up.

MAN 2

No man, no. I'm my own person. My mother always told me that. And she told me that one day: I'm gonna find someone. I'm gonna find a companion. Until that day, you're so much debris blocking my path.

A beat. MAN 1 lowers his arm. MAN 2 slowly exits. Just before he does:

MAN 1 (facing away)

Oh, Steve?

MAN 2 halts.

MAN 1

You're going to miss me like a train. You know that? Like a goddamned train.

MAN 2 (head down)

I know.

MAN 2 exits.

Beat. MAN 1 eyes the beam of electricity.

MAN 1

Yeah, this is really kinda one-note.

BLACKOUT.

Stinkytime Racers

ROY sits at his cubicle, working. A portal rips into the fabric of reality next to him. A futuristically dressed MAN walks out. He lifts up the visor on his helmet.

MAN

Are you Roy Koshy?

ROY

Uh, yes. Yes I am. Who are you?

MAN

I am Snargleplex the Kind, member of the Stinkytime Racers.

ROY

Stinkytime Racers?

MAN

Yes, we are a league of --

A portal is ripped open on the other side of ROY. MAN 2 steps through.

MAN 2

--a league of time-traveling athletes who race each other to different points in time. This process causes the human body to produce thousands of times more body odor than traditional exercise, hence our name: The Stinkytime Racers.

ROY leans forward, sniffing.

ROY

You both smell fine to me.

MAN 1

Yes, well, it only happens when we travel into the future.

MAN 2

And be glad we wear time-traveling anti-persperant. Made by Old Time.

ROY

Old Time?

MAN 2

Uh huh.

Beat.

MAN 1

You don't seem very impressed.

ROY

Yeah. Well, right before you came, these guys showed up.

Two GRANDMAS enter carrying bowls of chili. They each move over to a miniature race track set up with a car for each of them. The GRANDMAS begin farting on the cars to move them.

GRANDMA 1

You're going down, Gwen!

GRANDMA 2

Keep dreamin', Judith!

The others are silent as the GRANDMAs continue their race, eating chili and farting on mini race cars.

MAN 2

Hey Snargleplex, wanna go back and see the world when Martin Short still had a career?

MAN 1

Yeah, okay.

The MEN step back through their portals.

BLACKOUT.

Harvey Pelicanbutt

Lights up on a waiting room. A NERVOUS MAN sits on a bench, tapping his toes and flicking his cigarette. He is twitching. A DAPPER MAN is seated next to him.

NERVOUS MAN

I, I just can't take it. I gotta know. Are my test results positive or negative?

DAPPER MAN

Who's your doc?

NERVOUS MAN

Dr. Milkandshit.

DAPPER MAN

Oh.

Beat.

DAPPER MAN

Would you like to empty your ashes into my pelican-butt?

NERVOUS MAN

Yeah, that would be great.

DAPPER MAN turns away from NERVOUS MAN to reveal a pelican's bill where his butt should be. DAPPER MAN is really HARVEY PELICANBUTT. The mouth opens.

DAPPER MAN

Open sez me!

They laugh as the NERVOUS MAN empties his ashtray into the pelican beak.

SINGING CHORUS

That's Haaaaaarveeeeeeey Pelicaaaaaaanbuuuuuuuuuuuuutt!

HARVEY

And don't you forget it!

BLACKOUT.

Matt Koff

Here's the Matt Koff sketch.

Lights up on MATT KOFF on a couch. Beside him are ROY and ROB. They are watching a movie.

ROY

Umm, hey Matt, is this that Zac Efron movie again?

MATT

Uhhh....

ROB

Yeah, is this 17 Again, again? Why do you keep making us watch this when we come over?

MATT

Ermmm....

ROY

Yeah, what is your MALFUNCTION, MATTHEW??

ROB

IS THERE A LOG JAMMED IN YOUR FLUME?

ROY

IS THERE A LINT PARTICLE IN YOUR BELLYBUTTON?

MATT

Well....

ROY crosses to the mantlepiece.

ROY

Is this trophy something that you like?

ROY breaks trophy with a baseball bat.

ROB

Hope not 'cos it's broken now. What about these priceless pictures of your mother on her wedding day?

ROB torches the photo album with a flamethrower.

ROY

And what about this here fourth wall--

MATT

I JUST THINK THAT THE CHARACTER WORK IS REALLY EXCITING.

Beat.

MATT

IT'S....just...exciting.

Beat.

ROB

Well, my mind is at ease.

ROY

Yeah, me too!

They high-five and plop down on the couch.

BLACKOUT.