Mutual Friedman

Lights up on an elementary school classroom. A TEACHER is standing in front of the blackboard.

TEACHER
All right class, I'd like to introduce today's speaker from DARE.....Mutual Friedman!

MUTUAL FRIEDMAN enters. He is a dressed vaguely like Truman Capote, in a pink tweed blazer and a bolo tie.

MUTUAL (shrieking)
STARK-RAVING GUMDROPS ARE EATING ME ALIVE.

The TEACHER chuckles.

MUTUAL
NO, I'M SERIOUS AND ALSO THERE'S A GREAT SALE AT FRIGATES 'R US IF YOU LIKE FRIGATES.

TEACHER
Oh, Mutual Friedman, you're just too much.

MUTUAL (to a girl in the front row of desks)
DO YOU LIKE FRIGATES, SUSAN?

GIRL
I don't know.

MUTUAL
THE FEELING IS MUTUAL.

GIRL
Is that supposed to make me laugh? You're just creeping us out.

MUTUAL
VIRGINIA WASN'T NAMED AFTER VIRGIN MEGASTORE.

GIRL
Duh.

MUTUAL
ALSO THERE'S THIS.

MUTUAL FRIEDMAN holds up a movie poster for "Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings."

MUTUAL
WHAT DOES THIS SAY TO YOU?

GIRL
Umm, that Lance Henriksen aims low?

MUTUAL
THE FEELING IS MUTUAL.

Beat.

MUTUAL
DO YOU STILL WANT TO DO DRUGS?

GIRL
Well, I didn't before, but I'm considering it now.

MUTUAL
THIS CALLS FOR FRUIT SEED TIDDLYWINKS, THE GAME THAT LETS YOU PLAY TIDDLYWINKS WITH FRUIT SEEDS.

MUTUAL FRIEDMAN begins playing Tiddlywinks with a handful of apple seeds. The GIRL places a phone call. We see a DEALER enter. He sells her some cocaine and exits. She begins doing lines off of her desk. MUTUAL FRIEDMAN finishes playing his game.

MUTUAL
TA-DA!

TEACHER (applauding)
How do you do it?

MUTUAL
THE FEELING IS MUTUAL.

TEACHER
What?

GIRL
Wait, this isn't cocaine, this is a...

GIRL lifts piece of bread off her "drugs" to reveal a metal object.

GIRL
SEIS-MO-GRAAAAPH!

The TEACHER and MUTUAL FRIEDMAN run around like chickens with their heads cut off. The GIRL laughs menacingly.

BLACKOUT.