El Scorcho

Video. A SOLDIER sits in a chair, documentary style.

SOLDIER

People always ask me: hey man, why'd you commit war crimes? Why'd you go against your upbringing and join the army, and give up dreams of being an avante garde artist and marrying a hip girl from Brooklyn who has the spirit of Michelle Williams and the dance moves of Ellen Page....and I tell them: IT WAS EL SCORCHO!!!!!

CUT TO: graphics flying across the screen: EL SCORCHO, THE NEW FLAMETHROWER.

ANNOUNCER

That's right, with the US Army's patented new flamethrower, El Scorcho, you too can sell out whilst remaining hip to a loose concept of emotional expression.

CUT TO: Another SOLDIER torching girl scouts on a playground, clearly in America.

SOLDIER (to camera, thumbs up)

Goddamned these half-japaneeeeese girls.....

ANNOUNCER

Yes, El Scorcho. So set your hipster inside you free. Join the army. We have a flamethrower. Called El Scorcho. And you can relate to that name. It's a song you like.

CUT TO: El Scorcho flamethrower on display mount, rotating for the camera. A shimmering purple curtain hangs behind it.

ANNOUNCER

The US Army: we'll send you Across the Sea.

SOLDIER (emerging from behind the display)

Why Bother with the competition? We do it like No Other One. Come live The Good Life!

ANNOUNCER (quick disclaimer)

Please note that future flamethrowers will pale in comparison to this one, and we'll quickly descend the slippery slope to self-parody. You'll still pick up our flamethrowers though. So will every Tom, Dick, and Harry....heck, I don't care if your Name is Jonas! You'll want to but be forced to tell yourself, "Don't Let Go." So Keep Fishin' and Make Believe what you need to. But leave us? Say It Ain't So.

Beat.

Also....(If You're Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To.

END.