The Fifth Falcon

Lights up on the dining room of Arnold's Restaurant, after hours. We see FONZIE, RICHIE, POTSY, AND RALPH. They have chains, boards, and baseball bats.

RICHIE

Gee, Fonzie, I don't know about this new kid you recruited for the gang. I don't know if he's got what it takes to be a Falcon. I mean, he's running late...

POTSY

Yeah, and he's got awful taste in music!

RALPH

Yeah, and he caught me stealing his -- mmmhmmmhmhmhmhm -- banana cream pie!

RICHIE

Oh, Malph.

FONZIE

Look. I'm your gang leader, ain't I?

They nod.

FONZIE

And you're the gang non-leaders, arentcha?

They nod.

FONZIE

So put a little bit a faith in me okay? Here he comes now. The kid is fine!

CLARENCE enters. He is dressed flamboyantly.

CLARENCE

Heeeyyyy gang!

ALL

Hey Clarence.

CLARENCE giggles.

FONZIE

Clarence, was there something you wanted to tell me?

CLARENCE

Yeah, you smell like lip balm and raspberries.

CLARENCE giggles.

FONZIE

Look, stop that, okay? Geez. Uh...

CLARENCE

How would you like a zerbert?

FONZIE

A what? I don't--

CLARENCE runs over to FONZIE and zerberts his stomach.

FONZIE (lunging)

HEY NOW CUT IT THE FUCK OUT! What is your problem?

CLARENCE

Problem? The only problem in here is there's not enough SHOOOOOOOOOOOWTUUUUUUNES!

CLARENCE snaps his fingers and "I Am What I Am" from Le Cage Aux Folles plays. A chorus of singers emerges from the wings, swaying and holding hands.

RICHIE

Told ya, Fonz! I can't put my finger on it, but there's something off about him.

CLARENCE

Oh, Arthur!

FONZIE

Don't call me that! It's Fonzie or it's nothing!

CLARENCE

So sensitive! But that can be a good thing...(giggles)...

"The Rhythm of Life" from Sweet Charity begins to play.

CLARENCE

....but Arthur, I meant to tell you there's to be a tussle with the Snakes 'round midnight at the loading docks.

FONZIE

A RUMBLE, A RUMBLE! NOT A TUSSLE!

CLARENCE

Oh, you know, there's going to be a skirmish? With those brutes?

FONZIE

RUUUUMMMMMBBBBLLLLEEEEEEE.

CLARENCE

A regular old fracas! That's what I call it.

FONZIE

Goddamnit Clarence, you're out the Falcons! I'm kickin' you out!

CLARENCE

All right team, let's get this queen a Jamba Juice! It's 4 o'clock, tea time!

CLARENCE is swept away by a sea of dancers. FONZIE chases after him, sobbing, falling to his knees.

FONZIE

Nooooo ohh God, what have I done? He's gone, he's gone he's GAAAWN!

POTSY

Fonz, why didn't you just tell him you loved him when he was here?

RALPH

Yeah, you had all the chances in the world.

RICHIE

But none of the confidence.

POTSY

Are we gonna have to have a sitdown with the Confidence Clown again?

FONZ

Shucks, I guess so.

Jaunty Music. The CONFIDENCE CLOWN enters juggling hearts.

CLOWN

Well, kids, the secret to confidence is--

A laser beam is seen on the CLOWN's forehead.

RICHIE

Confidence Clown, watch out!

ALL

Noooooooooooooo--

A show rings out as a sniper assassinates the CONFIDENCE CLOWN. POTSY, FONZIE, and RALPH begin scrambling around the stage.

POTSY, FONZIE, RALPH

(nervous cartoony noises)

They exit in different directions, cartoon running noise accompanying them. Beat.

RICHIE

Wow, there was a shark after that first one. There's a second shark.

BLACKOUT.