DR
All right, I've got your test results back, sir.
PATIENT
Ah, Dr. Milkandshit. Finally. The suspense was killing me.
DR
Hopefully that's all that's killing you!
They laugh.
PATIENT
Okay, but can you tell me what the results are now?
DR
Yes yes yes. Let me just do one thing first.
PATIENT
All right, Dr. Milkandshit.
DR. MILKANDSHIT sets down the folder. He opens a drawer behind his desk, removing a tall glass of milk. He drinks the milk. Beat. He opens the folder.
DR
All right then. So, the results are...ooch!
DR. MILKANDSHIT doubles over. Fart sounds. He is shitting his pants.
DR
The results.....ughh....errmmm....the tests proved that you...
PATIENT
Dr. Milkandshit, are you all right?
DR (bearing down)
Yes. Now please...please let me do my job....
PATIENT
Um, all right--
DR (squatting)
You're duh....duh.....
PATIENT
Dying? I'm dying?!
DR
No, you're du...
PATIENT
Delivered from illness?!
DR (shit is dribbling out of his pant legs)
No. Oh, I'm gonna need some reinforcements.
DR. MILKANDSHIT pulls out a book from his bookshelf, opens it. There is an udder standing up in the middle of the book. He begins suckling it. While suckling, he says the following with increasing dramatic flair:
DR
YOUR DIAGNOSIS IS GOING TO TAKE ANOTHER TWO WEEKS BECAUSE WE LOST YOUR BLOOD SAMPLE!!!!!
DR. MILKANDSHIT's pants are ripped to shreds as a tidal wave of shit slaps all corners of the stage. Beat.
PATIENT
Well, thanks for being honest.
DR
Hey, honesty's my middle name. Dr. Malpractice Honesty Milkandshit.
PATIENT
I still can't figure out why I'm your only client.
DR
Meeeeee neeeeeeither.....
They bring their hands to their faces in a thoughtful gesture.
BLACKOUT.
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